Leaving Town Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry

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I have a tendency to not call back.

To take hours to respond to texts, only for you to finally receive one worded responses and empty promises to change.

I have a tendency to stop showing up on time, to stop showing up at all.

I can go days without saying a single word. Not to anyone, not even myself.

I think it was some sort of defense mechanism growing up. Trying my best not to make a fool out of myself, not to look stupid, not to say the wrong thing and have them leave again and again. I couldn’t let them leave again.

I haven’t spoke in two days.

I don’t know what it is you saw in me. I don’t know why you still think theres hope for you and I.

I destroy everything I touch and I can’t take responsibility for that, all I know how to do is run.

This is getting piece-y. I’m half packed and on my third glass. and your message is sitting in my inbox.

“How do you feel about me?” How the hell should I know.

I know.

I’m swallowing hard, down a throat that is sore from all the “I love you”s I choked on through my sobs last night. Shouting them to my walls and into my wine but never to you.

When you look at me, can you tell me you still see the same person you met 2 years ago? “Yes.” I can’t.

I’ve started smoking camel crush. The city’s hot and I pretend the menthol keeps me cool.

I’ve started drinking tequila and eating limes for lunch. I’m puking up “I miss yous” onto the Sweet & Vicious bathroom floor.

I’m self destructive and I know it. I don’t know how to stop.

I’m doing this for you.

No I’m not

I leave before I am left.

I decide. I’m in control.

I’m happy. I’m happy.

 

Summer ’17 Moodboard (and playlist)

Presentation 2-3Summer is rock and roll. Its being drunk off champagne all hours of the day. Its dirty fingernails under scarlet nail polish. It’s tan colored mules and worn out air force 1’s. It’s Chinese takeout and spontaneous stick and pokes on your friends brooklyn rooftop. It’s scrapes and bruises and having no idea where they came from. It’s the loss of innocence, but the gain of perspective. Its long car rides and gas stations and… more long car rides. Its beaches and lakes and vodka lemonade. Its falling in love and falling apart. Its crooked, gritty, overcrowded teeth and overcrowded concert venues. It’s chilly, fire escape mornings in nothing but a large t-shirt and undies. It’s cigarettes and iced coffee for breakfast and (empty) promises to quit when summers over. It’s best friend afternoons on les park benches, followed by summer love nights in dodgy arcades.  It’s having everything you’ve ever wanted, but nothing at all. It’s the warmth that makes its way through your skin, past your bones and into your heart. The way you start to understand that it’s okay to be soft, because it’s the way it makes you believe you’ll be this happy forever, even if forever is only 3 months.

 

 

PLAYLIST

  1. 1965 – Zella Day
  2. Lust for Life – Lana Del Rey
  3. Wonder wall – Cover by Zella Day
  4. Sucka for Love – Frank Ocean
  5. Let It Happen – Tame Impala
  6. Yes I’m Changing – Tame Impala
  7. Sign of the Times – Harry Styles
  8. East of Eden – Zella Day
  9. Sweet Dreams TN – The Last Shadow Puppets
  10. Wait For Life – Lana Del Rey
  11. Derailed – Joyce Manor
  12. Freazy – Wolf Alice
  13. In One Ear – Cage The Elephant
  14. Ivy – Frank Ocean
  15. Cherry Wine – Hozier
  16. You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome – Cover by Miley Cyrus
  17. Safe & Sound – Taylor Swift

Listen here

*all images from tumblr *